How do I free myself, from what feels like freedom?
Well hello there
I fell head over heels for a girl I can’t have. Did the stupid thing of letting her know how I feel. Just making her life harder. I thought I was better than this. Now these feelings that exploded outward are much harder to put away than let out. Still gonna be there for her. But I literally just friendzoned myself for her own wellbeing. And I probably could have gotten out of it, but it would have caused pain and suffering. I made the right choice. Just why does it hurt so?
Kill me please
Parents take my car from me right when I get a new job. No more raving or Djing. Fuck
I know its too early. but I need to vent.
So this will be a little taste of my life.
So about 6 or 7 years ago, my dad slept with my best friends mom. Basically it turned everything upside down. There was constant fighting between my parents, my mother having found out this incident, threatening calls from my best friends dad. I was never able to speak with my best friend again, cause of a fling. Or whatever it was. Regardless. It fucked my shit up as a middle schooler.
Fighting, yelling. You think you learn to tune it out, but all your doing is learning not to process it before it goes into your head. Its in there though, it always is.
Start high school. pot, drinking, drugs. The works. went around the block more than once, basically falling apart. More fighting with parents.
Fast Forward 2 years
Meet a shy girl. A sweet girl. Gorgeous eyes, sweet personality. Hang out with the girl a few times. Eventually we date. I fell, I fell hard. First love, all that bullshit.
Girlfriend starts acting sketchy. I thought she might be seeing someone else. Accused her of it, then am torn to pieces with words like, “How dare you accuse me” etc. You know how it goes.
We were in a relationship for almost 2.5 years, then I find out, she is fucking my coworker, who is married, 29 or so, for six goddamn months. Acting like nothing was wrong. Telling me she loved me.
I somehow decide to forgive her, we keep going out. After fighting about various issues I eventually break up with her. Figuring I’ll never be who she wants.
Carry on about half a year.
Meet a girl. fun, energetic playful. Good vibes all around. Hanging out alot. Just the two of us. Going to eat, going to shows. One night when drunk we end up sleeping together. Mind you this girl fully knew about the feelings I carried for her. The next week she and my best friend went together, and screwed their hearts out.
Yet again trust issues deepen.
I’ve moved forward, or tried to over and over. Dated a few girls, a long distance that didnt work out. Another one working out well till she moved to another country.
After moving back to America, I find out that my dad no longer loves my mother. I knew something was going on, until last night I found out my dad is basically in a relationship with his Secretary. He literally asked my mom if he could spend 2 nights a week at her place.
After hearing all this crap, I somehow ended up sleeping with a girl I don’t have feelings for. Originally I went to cheer her up, shit happened. Things went down. But that was the first time I slept with a girl I didn’t truly care about. I felt sick to be honest. Call me what you will.
I realized that all the fucking up and drugs I did was probably what kept my parents together until now. But the reason it all started was because of what goes on at home.
Relationships aren’t worth it to me anymore it seems.
Guys and girls, if you must be in a relationship. Love as much as you can, while you can, and when you stop having feelings for that person, don’t fuck around. End it, and move on. All dragging things on does is hurt.
21 years old, youd think I’d be over it. But it keeps comin back.
